Repeating patterns can be found in various aspects of our lives, from the romantic partners we choose to the jobs we take and the general life choices we make. While these patterns can provide comfort and familiarity, they can also be limiting and prevent us from experiencing new and fulfilling opportunities. It can be challenging to recognize and own up to these patterns, particularly when it comes to intimate relationships.
However, opening up and revealing our true selves to our partners can create a deeper level of trust and intimacy. Our relationships are a reflection of our true selves, and understanding our attachment patterns from early life experiences can provide valuable insight into our relationship habits. By exploring these patterns and understanding their influence on our behaviors, we can take control of our romantic destiny and enjoy more fulfilling relationships.
The attachments we experience at the start of our lives serve as models for how we expect to be treated, how we feel about ourselves as well as how we think we have to behave in order to get what we want and need in life and in relationships.
For example, if we had a parent who was intermittently available or emotionally hungry toward us, we may have developed an anxious attachment. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and a belief that we have to make things happen in our romantic relationships. We may be preoccupied with whether our partner loves us and anticipate disappointment or rejection. On the other hand, if we had a parent who was emotionally neglectful or unavailable, we may have formed an avoidant attachment. This can lead to a pseudo-independent attitude and a reluctance to be vulnerable with our partner, as well as a distrust of others and a discomfort with their needs.
To break out of these patterns, it is necessary to be open, curious, and willing to explore our past experiences and how they have influenced us. Revealing ourselves to our partner, even the parts we are least proud of, can create a greater level of trust within the relationship and invite them to do the same. While vulnerability can be challenging, it can also be transformative.
The same principles can be applied to other areas of our lives, such as our job choices and general life decisions. By exploring our patterns and understanding the underlying reasons for them, we can break free from limiting beliefs and behaviors and make choices that align with our true selves.
Let’s have a look at the the different ways we use to recreate our past in our present.
First comes selection. With our limiting beliefs in mind, different stories or narratives will emerge, like for example being unlovable, undeserving of success or love, that money is always an issue or that things are always too good to be true. We will go into the world and unconsciously do everything we can to prove that our stories are true. We will “select” a partner, or a job, or a group of people and at some point, we will face this story, and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. And the more this happens the more our belief gets stronger, and the same pattern will keep repeating themselves over and over again.
In our relationships, and without realizing it, we often choose people who play out the other half of a painful dynamic from our past. We may be intrigued by someone who’s “mysterious” and “aloof.” We may feel drawn in by someone who “comes on strong” and “fills the room.” Ultimately, we may find these same traits frustrating when the person turns out to be cold and distant or intrusive and controlling.
Furthermore, if we believe we do not deserve respect, and we do not respect ourselves, we will “select” the exact right situation, relationship, job, etc, in which we won’t be respected. There’s a part in us that loves to be right and it also loves to survive, so it is really good at detecting the exact situation to perfectly reflect back our story to us!
Then comes distortion. If selection doesn’t work, if we can’t select according to our beliefs, then we distort. Even when we choose a partner with qualities we love and respect, we may wind up distorting the other person to fit into our preexisting models for relationships. They start to love us, and thats the scariest thing of all because then we actually have to let go of your story and be helpless in the face of love. We may be subconsciously terrorized that our life might totally change from what we know.
We may perceive their natural interest or attraction toward us as “too much” or “needy.” We may mistake their enthusiasm for other friends or activities as signs of rejection or disinterest. We may misread a partner’s tone or overanalyze their behavior to fit with old expectations and ideas we have about ourselves and relationships. In this way, we are no longer seeing the person for who they are but through a faulty lens based on our own history.
Finally, the third thing is provocation. Let’s say we finally manage to get a relationship with a
partner who is healthy, does see our soul, is loving. We try all your maneuvers, we
distort what they do, but they keep showing up and loving us ! So then, we provoke
them. We’re rarely aware of the behaviors that we ourselves engage in that provoke our partner to act out patterns from our past. If we grew up feeling rejected, we may act insecure or aggressive in ways that alienate our partner. If we felt intruded on, we may push away our partner, leaving them to feel like they have to be more proactive and pursuing. We may even get our partner to say things to us that represent critical thoughts that were directed toward us early in our lives. For example, if we were treated as incapable as kids, we may grow up with “critical inner voices” telling us we’re stupid or useless. In our relationship, we may start being forgetful or irresponsible in ways that provoke our partner to say and feel things toward us that reaffirm a core, negative sense of our identity.
So have look, where in you life do you see these patterns? About what are you telling yourself that yet again it happened like you said/thought it would?
Within your relationship(s), try to open up and see what it feels like to confess some of the stories. See how honesty, transparency, and vulnerability can take your intimate relationship to the next level.
When we catch on to the ways we select, distort, and provoke our partners, social groups or workspaces, to recreate the climate of our past, we can start to break these patterns by dropping our part of the dynamic and developing ways of relating that reflect who we want to be. When we challenge our existing ideas and models we have, we can get more love in our lives, create better relationships, have more inner security, have the career we want and create the life we imagine.